Grief is an Invitation to Look Within
Grief is an an invitation to look within the depths of your soul and surrender to the truth...
Today would have been my mom’s 65th Birthday. It’s the 16th time this day has come up since my mom past away on May 21, 2007. This morning, when I took a moment to meditate on what this day means to me, I was reminded of my journey with grief.
In the beginning, I ignored my grief. I drank and partied it away. I used logic and humor to bypass the feelings it was inviting me to experience. Instead of letting those feelings pass naturally through me, I avoided them and pushed them away. The truth is they didn’t go anywhere though, my refusal to experience them led to them being stored deep inside.
Over time my capacity to hold on to my grief and bypass feelings became too much and I began to pack on the pounds; Until one day what seemed like the impossible happened - the scale tipped over 300 pounds.
Three years ago I began the long and painful process of unpacking all the pain I had experienced during my Mom’s relapse into alcoholism and her death. It was the pain I had pushed away in my 20s and early 30s.
At first, I thought my grief and healing were a destination to get to. I thought it was something I just had to get through and then I would be done, I would be fixed.
Over time, as I slowly went through the process of healing and feeling, I came to accept that grief is a journey without an ending. It isn’t really ever over. Somedays it will pull harder than others, but it will always be there. As I surrendered to my grief I began to shift from seeing it as something I had to get through to see it as a gift. I began to see my grief as an invitation to slow down and look inside and feel what the depths of my soul were crying out for me to experience.
It was only after I found acceptance of my grief and a willingness to surrender to the truth held deep within that a space was created for me to take on my health and fitness. It was in this space that my weight loss began to happen, and for the first time in my life, it wasn’t a struggle.
So today, as I take a moment to celebrate and honor my Mom on her birthday, I do so by surrendering to and feeling the grief that still lives within me.
I’ll close today by sharing something I wrote last year. It was one of those “ah-huh” moments in my healing journey that unlocked a door to let me through yet another layer of the resistance and grief that was holding me back.
Surrender vs. Acceptance…
March 19, 2022
The difference between surrender and acceptance confused me for the longest time. Maybe that's because I had no idea how to do either of them -- As I’ve moved through the iterations of my own hero’s journey I have developed a sense of what surrender and acceptance look like for me.
In my view, acceptance is an acknowledgment of the truth and a willingness to be in the present moment with it. It is an act of giving up my resistance to what is. I am no longer denying my truth and my heart is open. I am no longer attached to my story about the truth, yet I take ownership of both my story and my truth.
Surrender is a much deeper form of acceptance. When I surrender to the truth, not only do I give up my resistance to what is, I see my truth as just part of the unfolding process of my life. I see it as a necessary element of my experience; A lesson to teach me what I must learn to embody my purpose. I am filled with a sense of gratitude for my experience, even the painful parts. I see everything that has been, every part of me, even my shadow, as a welcome and essential part of my being. I no longer seek to outcast any aspect of my past or personality. I begin to work to create harmony within.
If my truth is a rainstorm and my life is a picnic, acceptance would be giving up resistance to the rainstorm; Letting go of wanting the rain to go away. Acknowledging and letting myself feel the impact the rainstorm has on me.
To surrender to the rainstorm I take my acceptance a step further. I embrace the rainstorm for what it is and choose to have my picnic in the rain. Feeling each drop of water as it falls upon me, savoring the flavors of the picnic basket. I experience my picnic in harmony with the rain, rather than in spite of it.
Acceptance is a necessary step on the path to surrender. Before I can surrender to something I must give up denying its existence, avoiding it, or trying to change it. I must come to a place of peace with what is; I must give up fighting the truth, and recognize this as a futile effort that only brings misery. I must give up the need to figure it out, solve the problem and find the answers.
From this place there is an opening to step into oneness with my truth. For me, it feels almost like coming back to the top. I am no longer compelled to change anything about myself or my experience. I have transcended my ego, yet I am one with it. I see my ego for what it is, fragments of the little hurt boy inside of me, a conglomeration of parts that are just trying to protect me.
Matt, I am so proud of you! Your writing is very insightful! Love you!